November 26th, 2012
You may have heard the old journalistic maxim “Show, don’t tell,” which demands that writers truly illustrate the actions involved in an event or story rather than just stating the results of what happened.
Tell (Results Oriented):
“I arrived at ABC Bank and took on a great deal of responsibility in corporate lending. I managed diverse clients in my first year and earned the recognition of my manager. Because of my hard work, initiative and leadership, he placed me on the management track, and I knew that I would be a success in this challenging position.”
In these three sentences, the reader is told that the applicant “took on a great deal of responsibility,” “managed diverse clients” and “earned recognition,” none of which is substantiated via the story. Further, we are given no real evidence of the writer’s “hard work, initiative and leadership.”
Show (Action Oriented):
“Almost immediately after joining ABC bank, I took a risk in asking management for the accounts left behind by a recently transferred manager. I soon expanded our lending relationships with a children’s clothing retailer, a metal recycler and a food distributor, making decisions on loans of up to $1M. Although I had a commercial banking background, I sought the mentorship of our district manager and studied aggressively for the CFA exam (before and after 14-hour days at the office); I was encouraged when the lending officer cited my initiative and desire to learn, placing me on our management track.”
In this second example, we see clear evidence of the writer’s “great deal of responsibility” (client coverage, $1M lending decisions) and “diverse clients” (a children’s clothing retailer, a metal recycler and a food distributor). Further, the candidate’s “hard work, initiative and leadership” are clear throughout.
The latter is a more interesting, rich and humble paragraph—one that is more likely to captivate the reader. By showing your actions in detail, you ensure that your reader draws the same conclusions, because the necessary facts are included to facilitate this. Essentially, facts become your evidence!
Posted in Monday Morning Essay Tips